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Bodies Under Siege

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Hope and support for those who self-injure

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If only I were pretty... - 04/13/2013
I have been clinically diagnosed as being bi-polar. I have been a cutter for over two decades. I have attempted suicide on three occasions. I have been forcefully committed to a psychiatric ward. And somehow, this all stems from my perceived ugliness. I just can't stand the sight of me. To my eyes, I am absolutely grotesque. A hideous monster. I have never spoken about this publicly...but it's time. When I was a teenager I developed a horrific case of cystic acne. While every other teenager was dealing with the run-of-the-mill pimples, I was dealing with incredibly painful infected cysts. I would have to go on a weekly basis to get them injected with high dosage antibiotics. I was a laughing stock. A freak. Of course the worst was yet to come. When the cysts went away they left behind grotesque scars. Lots of them. Which further subjected me to the ridicule of classmates. It was never ending. I couldn't even look someone in the face. I just shrunk lower and lower to avoid detection. I tried everything in my power to just be invisible. It didn't work. Everywhere I went I was pointed at, and mocked. I couldn't deal with it any longer. I turned to cosmetic surgery. Collagen injections(dozens of them), silicone injections(before they became illegal), chemical peels, dermabrasion, and finally laser surgery. First just minor procedures that could be performed in my dermatologist's office. Then a very major and invasive surgery. They basically removed all the top laye...

If only I were pretty...

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